The Inkwell

Yahoo! revealed their Top 10 most searched brat pack stars, so I looked into my crystal ball to see what their futures hold.

1. Miley Cyrus
2008 was an immensely popular year for Miley Cyrus. Not necessarily because of her vocal prowess, but because her clothes kept falling off. On MySpace, in Vanity Fair, in hot tubs. This girl has some issues, no doubt. I imagine her singing career will fizzle out soon but she might have a future hosting Extra! after she unseats Mario Lopez in Mark McGrath style coup.

2. Vanessa Anne Hudgens
I’ll admit, I don’t really know what Vanessa Hudgens is known for besides being Nick Lachey’s girlfriend. Oops, nope, just checked IMDb and she’s one of those precocious High School Musical kiddos. Vanessa Minnillo is Lachey’s gal. Anyway, wait… I remember now, Hudgens had trouble keeping her clothes on in 2008, too! Some photos were leaked on the internet of her and #9 Zac Efron making sexytime poses for the camera! Is she just another Disney darling on that slippery slope to rehab? No one knows. But I think once there is no more HSM, no more Hudgens.

3. Chris Brown

Chris Brown is a trophy magnet with, among others, his Artist of the Year prize from the American Music Awards. He’s an impeccable dresser, keeps his love life to himself (just come out and say you’re dating Rihanna already), he gets celebrity endorsement gigs and he donates to St. Jude Children’s Research Hospital. He seems like a decent guy. Even if the performing thing gets old, I have a feeling he’ll be working behind the scenes way into the future.

4. Jonas Brothers
Le sigh. The Jonas Brothers are so prefabricated it turns my stomach. Long blurb short, they have three years left before they’re in real estate school learning from Professor Jonathan Knight.

5. Rihanna
Rihanna, the sweetheart of the Caribbean turned pop superstar, has more legs to stand on (what does that mean?) than any of these other hooligans. She’s talented, she knows her shortcuts to the top of the Billboard charts and gosh darn it, she’s never had any nudie pictures “leak” out to the internet. Bravo, Rihanna!

6. Taylor Swift

Seriously, what is the big deal about this girl? She is an alleged country star, except I can’t figure out where they put the country in her act, she had a scandalous breakup with a Jonas Brother, and she’s pretty. I think she’ll be around for another ten years, still making boring “country” but settling down with some country hunk to become the next Faith and Tim.

7. Jamie Lynn Spears
A Haiku

Pregnant teen starlet
Hollywood doesn’t call now
Kentwood is good ‘Wood

Thank you! Barack, call me, honey, when you’re looking for a Poet Laureate! So, scandal erupted with Jamie Lynn Spears’ clothes fell off and she got knocked up. This is a major blessing considering the brutal beatings the press has delivered to her sister Britney. You have to wonder if this baby saved her from a life full of mistakes, potentially to be played out for the tabloids. Jamie Lynn’s time as a teen sensation has come to a close.

8. Hayden Panettiere
Super gorgeous, super talented, activist, Grammy nominee, fashion maven, Hayden Panettiere can do no wrong. Perhaps best know for her role as the cheerleader on “Heroes”, Panettiere began her acting career when she was just five years old. She hasn’t fallen into any of the nude photo traps that the rest of these bimbos have, so that automatically adds five years onto her career. Hayden will be around until she hits middle age and there are suddenly no jobs left for her in Hollywood, leaving her with outstanding potential for a mid-50s comeback.

9. Zac Efron
Get ready. Here comes the curmudgeon. What is up with Zac Efron’s hair? It’s like a squirrel or a bunny died up there. Sheesh. Efron is yet another Disney product to emerge from the High School Musical franchise. He has dewy skin and manscaped brows, and, oh yeah, he and his girlfriend Vanessa Hudgens were naked on the internet. Gosh, this trend is getting boring. I think Efron will probably do well until he outgrows his baby face. Is Botox in his future?

10. Selena Gomez
While Miley Cyrus was in hiding after her “embarrassing” Vanity Fair photos came out, Disney gave Selena Gomez their Most Favored Cash Cow award. In 2004 she was discovered by Disney and they won’t let her go. They placed her in “The Suite Life of Zack and Cody”, “Hannah Montana”, a “Zack and Cody” spin-off which was never picked up, and a “Lizzie Maguire” spin-off that was never picked up. So Disney created another vehicle for her called “Wizards of Waverly Place” which is doing quite well. Since she has one of the most important studios bending over backwards for her, and given their track record with talent like Miley Cyrus and Vanessa Hudgens, I expect by 2010 she will have taken off her clothes for all the internet to see. For now, let’s enjoy her innocence.

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