The Inkwell

Ahh! Make it stop! Make the rhetoric stop, at least for Christmas!

President Elect Barack Obama, let’s just call him Pebo for short, made headlines this week when he chose mega-minister Rick Warren to pray at the upcoming inauguration. Cool, good for both of them. Rick Warren presides over a 22,000 member church in Orange County, California and is the best selling author of “The Purpose Driven Life”. He’s well loved all around the world.

But why, oh why has he chosen  to deliver a “Message of Hope for Changing Times”? Hope and change in the same sermon? I can’t take it anymore! The election is over. I don’t want to hear another word about hope or change. Anymore!

I’m not a curmudgeon or a grinch, honest. And I’m certainly not against hope. But don’t preach to us about change! Sure, times are changing. But if we assume that the only engines of change are God and government, we rule out the idea of free will. And I am the one who controls my destiny. I am the one who can change my own life. I don’t need a Christmas homily or an inauguration speech to make change happen for me.

You better watch out, you better not die! Orlando crime is way up for 2008 with a record 123 homicides this year. How’s that for your “happiest place on earth?” Sadly, tourists will never learn of this shocking statistic because the lure of all the magical brooms sweeping it under the rug.

Let’s compare Orlando to similarly populated cites. The population of Orlando is 227,907. When we examine Baton Rouge, Louisiana, population 227,071, there have been 48 murders in 2008. Madison, Wisconsin is the next closest city with a population of 228,775 and a mere six murders as of September.

Just to clairfy:

Baton Rouge: 48 homicides

Madison: 6 homicides

Orlando: 123 homicides

So think twice before you plan your Disney vacation. Orlando is not as magical as it appears in the glossy brochures.

Sources:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_United_States_cities_by_population

http://brgov.com/dept/brpd/csr/

http://althouse.blogspot.com/2008/09/another-madison-murder.html

http://www.theledger.com/article/20081222/NEWS/812220320?Title=Orlando_Area_Breaks_Murder_Record_With_123

What is wrong with the world we live in? We have perfectly useless inventions like bacon flavored dental floss and toast stamps but we can’t come up with a cure for cancer.

Investors Business Daily just reported yesterday that Noscapine, a common ingredient in cough syrup, dramatically reduces tumors in cases of prostate cancer. Noscapine is a nonaddictive derivative of opium, and when used to treat lab rats with cancer, it reduced tumor growth by 60% and slowed the spread of tumors by 65%. And it has ZERO side effects.

With such a miraculous substance on drugstore shelves, why isn’t it being used to treat cancer?

Because Noscapine is a naturally occurring substance that CAN’T BE PATENTED. Because drug makers can’t make money from it, they aren’t mass producing it.

WE HAVE A NEAR CURE FOR PROSTATE CANCER BUT WE CAN’T HAVE IT.

All because of money. What a pile of crap.

Yahoo! revealed their Top 10 most searched brat pack stars, so I looked into my crystal ball to see what their futures hold.

1. Miley Cyrus
2008 was an immensely popular year for Miley Cyrus. Not necessarily because of her vocal prowess, but because her clothes kept falling off. On MySpace, in Vanity Fair, in hot tubs. This girl has some issues, no doubt. I imagine her singing career will fizzle out soon but she might have a future hosting Extra! after she unseats Mario Lopez in Mark McGrath style coup.

2. Vanessa Anne Hudgens
I’ll admit, I don’t really know what Vanessa Hudgens is known for besides being Nick Lachey’s girlfriend. Oops, nope, just checked IMDb and she’s one of those precocious High School Musical kiddos. Vanessa Minnillo is Lachey’s gal. Anyway, wait… I remember now, Hudgens had trouble keeping her clothes on in 2008, too! Some photos were leaked on the internet of her and #9 Zac Efron making sexytime poses for the camera! Is she just another Disney darling on that slippery slope to rehab? No one knows. But I think once there is no more HSM, no more Hudgens.

3. Chris Brown

Chris Brown is a trophy magnet with, among others, his Artist of the Year prize from the American Music Awards. He’s an impeccable dresser, keeps his love life to himself (just come out and say you’re dating Rihanna already), he gets celebrity endorsement gigs and he donates to St. Jude Children’s Research Hospital. He seems like a decent guy. Even if the performing thing gets old, I have a feeling he’ll be working behind the scenes way into the future.

4. Jonas Brothers
Le sigh. The Jonas Brothers are so prefabricated it turns my stomach. Long blurb short, they have three years left before they’re in real estate school learning from Professor Jonathan Knight.

5. Rihanna
Rihanna, the sweetheart of the Caribbean turned pop superstar, has more legs to stand on (what does that mean?) than any of these other hooligans. She’s talented, she knows her shortcuts to the top of the Billboard charts and gosh darn it, she’s never had any nudie pictures “leak” out to the internet. Bravo, Rihanna!

6. Taylor Swift

Seriously, what is the big deal about this girl? She is an alleged country star, except I can’t figure out where they put the country in her act, she had a scandalous breakup with a Jonas Brother, and she’s pretty. I think she’ll be around for another ten years, still making boring “country” but settling down with some country hunk to become the next Faith and Tim.

7. Jamie Lynn Spears
A Haiku

Pregnant teen starlet
Hollywood doesn’t call now
Kentwood is good ‘Wood

Thank you! Barack, call me, honey, when you’re looking for a Poet Laureate! So, scandal erupted with Jamie Lynn Spears’ clothes fell off and she got knocked up. This is a major blessing considering the brutal beatings the press has delivered to her sister Britney. You have to wonder if this baby saved her from a life full of mistakes, potentially to be played out for the tabloids. Jamie Lynn’s time as a teen sensation has come to a close.

8. Hayden Panettiere
Super gorgeous, super talented, activist, Grammy nominee, fashion maven, Hayden Panettiere can do no wrong. Perhaps best know for her role as the cheerleader on “Heroes”, Panettiere began her acting career when she was just five years old. She hasn’t fallen into any of the nude photo traps that the rest of these bimbos have, so that automatically adds five years onto her career. Hayden will be around until she hits middle age and there are suddenly no jobs left for her in Hollywood, leaving her with outstanding potential for a mid-50s comeback.

9. Zac Efron
Get ready. Here comes the curmudgeon. What is up with Zac Efron’s hair? It’s like a squirrel or a bunny died up there. Sheesh. Efron is yet another Disney product to emerge from the High School Musical franchise. He has dewy skin and manscaped brows, and, oh yeah, he and his girlfriend Vanessa Hudgens were naked on the internet. Gosh, this trend is getting boring. I think Efron will probably do well until he outgrows his baby face. Is Botox in his future?

10. Selena Gomez
While Miley Cyrus was in hiding after her “embarrassing” Vanity Fair photos came out, Disney gave Selena Gomez their Most Favored Cash Cow award. In 2004 she was discovered by Disney and they won’t let her go. They placed her in “The Suite Life of Zack and Cody”, “Hannah Montana”, a “Zack and Cody” spin-off which was never picked up, and a “Lizzie Maguire” spin-off that was never picked up. So Disney created another vehicle for her called “Wizards of Waverly Place” which is doing quite well. Since she has one of the most important studios bending over backwards for her, and given their track record with talent like Miley Cyrus and Vanessa Hudgens, I expect by 2010 she will have taken off her clothes for all the internet to see. For now, let’s enjoy her innocence.

Here’s the short story: Warren Buffett’s granddaughter Nicole Buffett said some things on Oprah that pissed him off so he stopped giving her money.

Now Nicole Buffett is struggling to make ends meet. Her career as an artist is bringing in $40k but, poor thing, she can’t afford CABLE! She whines that all the other grandchildren get handouts from grandpa except her.

This pisses me off, dear readers. Warren Buffett made his own money. He is allowed to do with his money whatever the heck he wants. Ask any artist and I’m sure they’d love to be making $40k to do what they love. Can someone please slap this girl and tell her that cable is a privilege, not a right?

About ten years ago I had to cancel my cable subscription because I couldn’t afford it. It was a wonderful thing! I had time to pursue hobbies and read books. I never realized how much time I spent in front of the TV until I got rid of cable. And I haven’t had it since, even though I can now afford it.

Good for you, Warren Buffet. Thank you for sticking up for what is right and not greasing the palm of your lazy granddaughter.

I waited in line for two hours today just to have my son’s picture taken with Santa. It wasn’t as terrible as it sounds. He loved all the bright, glittery lights and he was mesmerized by Santa’s long beard and jolly laugh. It was a fun experience for both of us.

But what if you’ve lost that yuletide feeling? Who do you turn to to get back into the spirit of Christmas? You get Santa on the phone. Anne Gaskell, founder of SantaSpeaking.com , has created this new Christmas venture which aims to heighten the anticipation for kids who might feel a little down in a lackluster holiday season.

Kids who get to talk to Santa get a recorded copy of their conversation as a keepsake of the special event and parents can provide details to Santa so he doesn’t mix up the naughty kids with the nice ones.

Read more about this special treat at SantaSpeaking.com .

Well, gee, the should’ve issued it in ten parts. Honestly! Who dropped the ball there?

I don’t think there’s any album that takes me back to high school quite like Pearl Jam’s Ten. The whole grunge experience was so new and exciting to me back then. I remember listening to Ten on bus rides after volleyball games, all my mix tapes contained a Pearl Jam track, I can remember classmates making remarks on certain tracks - why they did or did not like them. Ah, the good old days.

Pearl Jam is releasing a new collector’s edition of Ten in March with the remasterered original album, a remixed album by long-time producer Brendan O’Brien, awesome new cover art spearheaded by bassist Jeff Ament and a replica demo tape with old school recordings of “Alive”, “Once” and “Footsteps”.

Ament says of the “Momma Son” demo tape,

“I think the first time that [vocalist Eddie Vedder] or I had opened any of those boxes was a few weeks ago. I knew that the original ‘Momma-Son’ cassette was somewhere, but I hadn’t listened to it in 17, 18, 19 years. It was cool to sit down and play it for the first time with Ed and see his reaction. And to find that 90% of it stayed exactly the same as what ended up on the record. A lot of elements were identical. There was some energy flying around at that point even from 1,300 miles away from Seattle to San Diego.”

I can’t wait to see how it turns out.